I am a fucking self-saboteur!!!
I just destroyed a great thing the other day. I was so fucking caught up in my emotions that I ended a year long friendship over my funk and lack of libido. I feel like an absolute tool, even though I could sense what was coming and had the opportunity to choose a different outcome, I still chose to follow the negative path.
I am a self-saboteur!! I destroy what is a good thing because I feel that I don’t deserve it.
I have been doing this self-sabotage thing for years now. I feel that everything I have, I do not deserve. I do not deserve the job that I have, the roof that is over my head, the car that I drive, the woman I married, the child that we have, the friends that I have. As far as I am concerned I do not deserve them, or anything else. As far as I am concerned, I should be left to my own devices out on the street.
While I would like to kick the habits, at the same time my inner self-saboteur is telling me that I am wasting my time trying to kick the habit. I am self-sabotaging my recovery. How ironic?!?
As I said, I now feel like a tool for destroying a perfectly good friendship, and probably relationship if I don’t do something about my behaviour, but how the fuck do I change my behaviour when the behaviour I am trying to eliminate is trying to prevent the elimination of said behaviour.