I am starting to doubt myself, my body and most of all my brain, I doubt I belong here in this kink world. I am not in the Jail Bird, a DILF, or kinky. I am just existing. Why I feel like just a being is anyone’s guess. I think this is the real me.
Is it because I only create virtual things as part of my job, and don’t have any hobbies with hands-on aspects? Is it because I focus on the wrong thing when it comes to money? Or is it because of something else?
Mrs N shared one reason I might just be existing rather than living. Her point was that I have not given myself a space to be me. I choose not to buy something because I would rather put extra money to the mortgage? Or I don’t buy an object/experience because I will lose interest with it in less than a month? Or I only do something because others want to do it even though I have no interest in it?
These could all be possible causes for my lack of interest in living because I choose existence over excitement. I see people on YouTube living an adventure, travelling the world, who are sponsored and not “working”. We see an edited 10 minutes of their day, but even that 10 minutes is more exciting than my entire day. I almost wish I could have what they have, but I know it requires work, and I don’t have the motivation to do the work required. I choose existence over work.
One more possibility is that I focus on failures rather than rewards. I focus on negative outcomes of what I do rather than what could be rewards for what I do. By dwelling on the negatives, my thinking gravitates in that direction and so does the rest of my work.
I can recognise all these problems and what the relevant solutions are to each and every hurdle I face. However, I cannot bring myself to make the logical changes that may help my existence.
Are all these negative blog posts me reaching out for help? Probably. But the thing is, I know what I need to do to change and get better, I just don’t have the desire to do anything about it.
This is the real me, a kinkless, sexless man, who just exists in the world, reaching out for help, but not wanting to do anything about it.